Wednesday, 5 October 2011

god some of this is pretty morbid.

Tuesday, 6 September 2011

Friday, 30 April 2010

30th April
Still tired, weigh 13 and a half stone now. Brilliant. Not long to go, have had tightenings and pains in my back so could be anyday now. Just waiting for that wonderful rush of liquid to smack the floor and its go time.

Peace out


Tuesday, 6 April 2010

Pregnancy update 6/04/10

Shattered. Weighing 12 and a half stone so i have gained 3 stone. I'm quite interested in how much of it is baby and surroundings as apposed to extra leg i have accumilated. Soon to find out.

I quite enjoy living in town. When outside is bustling you don't feel alone. It feels very europian, the little town on your doorstep.

Tuesday, 30 March 2010

Pregnancy Update 30/03/10

I slept in 'til i was woken up by my dad ringing me at 13:08. I have now been awake for 2 hours and im ready for bed again. Week 30 of my pregnancy and im fucked. The babies seem to be doing fine, they have enough energy to be constantly kicking me, bruising my insides no doubt. Apart from my ear being blocked and the nasty burning sensation i get every time i lay down in my esophegus im doing good.

Pregnancy #1

So the other half has started some sort of fucked journal so I suppose I should retaliate and write my side of the story.

We hadn’t been together long before we found out I was pregnant, infact I don’t think we were even in a “relationship” just shagging and spending a lot of time together at weekends and after work. Heart felt moments, drunk times in the back of my car while being taught a very well learnt lesson on jimi Hendrix, late night trips to asda and mcdonalds just to prolong the inevitable, we were gunna kiss AGAIN. I remember the night I first starting feeling something for this man who is going to be a father to my spawn, he was pissed (as I can recollect he always was at the beginning of our journey together) and wanted a kiss goodnight, Now he has always been the touchy type with girls and men alike. being very huggy and letchy but when he was drunk he got a new confidence about him which took over and asked me for a kiss goodnight. So I obligued on the grounds there was no tongue he was still at this point just my letchy friend I worked with at the pub. But he kissed me on the lips, with no tongue I might add, and afterwards I just couldn’t speak, I muddled up my words and sounded like fucking yoda I wasn’t impressed with myself seen as I tend to be seen as (weither true or not) the untouchable one, one you can’t phase, Hard non-the-less T’was very exciting as every new relationship is, It doesn’t matter if it doesn’t go anywhere at the beginning its all about that moment and how long you can spend with that person with them still wanting to spend more time with you the next day. Which he always did.

Most of the time anyway, there were a few complications at the beginning, him having a massive crush on one of my friends who had her own on going relationship problems and very much enjoyed the new attention at first until she decided she wanted her ex back and he had no chance, until of course I wanted him. Then it was a whole other story. I think one of the things she said to me was “this is just what you do” to my recollection I have never done anything like this before, my friends have always got on the rear end of my previous relationships, what they had was a date in a cinema and a lot of facebooking hardly a marriage. I did say to him from the beginning that I wouldn’t get in between them two if something was going to happen with them, Neil was very much smitten by the woman he couldn’t have and she had a lot of shit with her previous/current boyfriend that she deserved some happiness so I wasn’t gunna stand in the way we would still have stayed friends all of us if that would have been the outcome. So this caused some trouble I suppose mentally for me. The fact he was still holding on to her at the beginning of our fling still pisses me off, I shall have to get over in time. Obviously this is what happens when you get involved with people you network with you always know their history and they know yours, which does cause problems exspecailly when your both emotionly fucked and have self esteem issues.

So all this aside when we were alone and together we had a lot in common and had aload of fun, both loved ricky gervais’s and his podcasts he did with karl pilkinton and steve merchant, this was a shared interest before we were even together. Both enjoyed music with some similar in taste. And we liked fucking each other, our main hobby we enjoyed together I suppose. But all this wasn’t good enough in the start the whole previous paragraph got too involved in his fragile little brain and he didn’t want to hurt me. But I’m strong minded and was sure if I spent just a bit more time with him I could make him fall for me. It’s my thing. And it worked.

After he decided to call it a day we spent more time on the phone and it felt like nothing had changed we both decided (after a couple of days) that we should keep shagging and carried on as if nothing happened. Although it did happen and we did spilt up because I wasn’t good enough for him. I got mine….. in the end, and although I normally only enjoy the chase, with him it was different.

All this settled down and I spent every night at his house after he went away for a week to Amsterdam, I moved out of my mates house to a small room with a bed just down the road and we started acting like a real couple, even though we weren’t officially together.

**missing story to come**

I went out in my new, second hand maternity clothes smelling of bacon and Christian Dior this is my new life and I love it. I haven’t mastered the brilliant organisational skills my mother has to make sure everything is perfect, In a way I’m glad, it means im not as grown up as maybe I thought I was and I still have time to become a super mum. I thought as a pregnant woman I would change dramatically. Although I have a slight maternal glow in the back of my head that wasn’t there before that im sure one day will represent a full shining 60w eco friendly light bulb. Also the huge belly and nipples that are as dark as the bags under my eyes. I don’t feel like all the mums you see in the street or in the elevator, I still shout cunt and the top of my voice with no remorse at my bloke just because it makes me laugh and I love the word. Should a new mum be calling her other half a paki jew?

The buses make the windows shake and im pretty sure most of the poor sods on the 280 bus to oxford have seen my cellulite ridden behind. but if it was all perfect 1. I wouldn’t have anything to complain about and thats just not good english behaviour

26 weeks and 5days. Fundus height measuring 33cm as apposed to the singleton mother at this point would be about 27cm. Weight 75kg and rising I feel good when the doctors tell me the babies are a good size. If more people told me I was massive I would be a much happier person. There is nothing worse than people saying “you’re not very big are you?” I just want to know how big they were when they had their last twin pregnancy. Stupid cunts.

Friday, 1 January 2010

Life can only be described by the person living it. Everyones is different even if only slightly.
Mine at the moment is full of laughter and happiness, mostly, and it feels good to say so. weither it has something to do with the babies growing inside me, or the man i now share my life with. It's a massive cliche, But everyone has to have a cliche moment, even if only one.

Tuesday, 8 December 2009

Bit O updating for ya.

Pregnant - Twins
No job - Wankers

So i had to take action and went to the job centre, now had i of known you had to queue up before they let you in i wouldnt have gone. Nothing more humiliating standing in the rain shivvering waiting outside the job centre at 8:50am. People walk past and try not to look you in the eye, if you go to the job centre you are a hooligan. Others walk past with a look of dissapointment, retired head teachers and Old people shaking their head, "tut, should have stayed at school".

Monday, 10 August 2009


I love it when plain old niceness comes out in the general public. When people dont worry about the law or insurance and just be nice and conciderate.
My dog lead is broken and i needed to go into the post office to get some postcards to advertise my new business. There wasnt anywhere to tie the dog up with the broken lead. There was a friendly postman there that i asked politely if he wouldn't mind holding my dog while i ran inside quickly. i emphasized that i would only be 2 seconds.
He didn't start preaching, "oh i'm sorry i can't hold this dog the royal mail have a section in their rule book on situations exactly like this, where it states "If a random pedestrian asks you to hold his/her dog while in uniform you may not oblige, we do not take responsibility for lost or damaged dogs while they are in our care." Nor did he scream and run away from the pooch because nowadays dogs are the spawn of Satan and will kill any child or unknown human being within a 5 mile radius. And funnily enough he didn't say that his life insurance doesn't allow him to hold strangers dogs incase 1. it trips you up and you die 2. it eats you and you die. 3. it eats someone else and you die 4. it takes a shit on the floor and you die eats a discarded nappy and you die etc etc.
Instead the man willingly held my dog for the 2 seconds i was in the post office and stroked her to comfort her in my absence. There isnt enough of this type of behaviour about at the moment and i just want to know why. in the 60s im sure it wasnt like this maybe everyone should become hippys again. not everything has to end for a reason.

Sunday, 2 August 2009

My mum

She takes care of me when im down
Very rarely wears a frown
Sometimes she does dishes
Other times she grants my wishes

We talk a lot
Some think weve lost the plot
Everything from deep throat oral sex
To petrol prices and who knows best

We dance and sing
Til our ears ring
To “oh happy days”
And what ever else plays

I know she thinks the world of me
Even after all the class c’s
But those days have gone
And here we are after so long

Best of friends
Most of the time
I can tell you now
There is no better mum than mine

Madonna cuts and the third reich

Thursday, 30 July 2009

Wednesday, 29 July 2009


So picture the scene, in the sexual health clinic waiting to get checked up. Sat with natalie while everyone is trying to look inconspicuous. Having a chat. looked over to natalie and saw she had some foundation on her cheek she hadnt rubbed in properly. I leaned over and wiped it off with some force. she sat there for a bit then asked "what was that" i replied with "just some foundation you hadn't rubbed in properly. A few seconds passed and she said "Oh ok then thats ok, as long as it wasnt a fly".
I had put so much force on her cheek with my finger to get the foundation off, that the fly (if it was infact there) would of had to fly with such force into her cheek to splatter its self all over her. what a nob

Kayleigh: I think we should buy a goat so we dont have to mow the lawn
Natalie: Yeah and a cow then we dont have to buy milk or bacon
5 minutes later
Natalie: Wait forget that bacon comes from pigs

A normal wednesday morning, just got in from my mates house sat there with natalie in her dressing gown while she proceeds to tell me the happenings of last night, "dan lost the remote control" ok then thanks for that. " can you have a look for it today mate while your cleaning" yeah sure. "i looked everywhere tho, under the seats, behind the desk in the kitchen in the fridge" RIGHT

Kayleigh: Tell us what you think of the house when you get back from work
Natalie: Ok will do what have you done?
Kayleigh: Just hoovered up sorted the rest of my stuff out and there is a suprise im not telling you.
Natalie: What have you done
Kayleigh: Redecorated with diarrohea and stencils.
Natalie: Oh cheers mate ive been meaning to get round to doing that just havnt had the time.

All these poems and pictures belong to kayleigh burr. copywrighted init bruv

Monday, 27 July 2009

Pack away your thoughts
they are only causing me pain
i dont want to dwell on something
that will make this less real

when we started i knew
this would all be a real dream
a dream i couldnt wake up from
no matter how cruel

when my desire is burning for you
there isnt much left to do
i wont be able to go on
when we finish what has barely begun

let the water seep in
pushing out all my sin
forgetting my love
forgetting my feelings
its all gone..


Love is difficult
never the same
you love what you cant have
there is only yourself to blame

The times you shared
always seem the best
you only watched a film
went to bed in his vest

he will always think less
than you do about him
he probably never thinks of you
unless he wants to fill you to the brim

You may think hes the one
but he's probably not
actions are more than words
not counting him poking your slot

whatever he says
Its all a bunch of shit
you will never get a straight answer
hes the dictionary discription of the word git

I love you, i need you
fuck off mate
you fucked me over already
dont you think thats a bit late


Jealousy takes alot to control
i can't help the over boiling feeling
torturing my soul
instead of green i see red
wanting to rip and tear
blood i want to shed
nothing other than violence
will quite my demon
so dont piss me off
or you will be forever dreaming.

Monday, 13 July 2009

Ciggarettes and contraception
tell me now whats your perception
do you agree with them
or do you fret
knowing each one can cause
a horrible death
lung cancer or allergic reaction
ciggarettes can lead to a silly infraction
while contraception can be a handy distraction

Natalie whitmore
what can i say
shes a hunk of love
always wanting to play

she cries at films
that arn't even sad
she sings out loud
even though she's bad

her accent is funny
from the isle of man
but shes always willing to help
anyway she can

when shes not at coral
she sits at home
with the curtains closed
in a world of her own

she plays on c.o.d
and the sims three
chatting online
to her friends in ramsey

hopefully she will never go
back to the isle
her and dan
should relax and smile

because when your in love
times get hard
but you two are the best
now lets eat some lard.

Sunday, 12 July 2009

Cancer cancer what a cunt
they know how to cure it
but they fucking won't

Unable to breathe
you lay there still
waiting for it to take you
it surely will

Everything comes to an end
thats your only guarantee
so just sit down relax
have a cup of tea
Fuck the world
Fuck it good
Fuck the people
Fuck the noise
Fuck the stupid immature boys
Fuck the way everything makes you feel
Fuck it because it isn't real
Fuck the fortune it's all a game
Fuck it all and go insane



Abortion, abortion
you have yet to see
how much of a burden
you would have been to me

growing inside
selfish for your needs
destroying my body
doing your dirty deeds

you sucked out my emotion
like you would have my tits
your just a letch
i hate you to bits

my advice to the world
will simply be
slip on some protection
take it from me

A few bits of my inevitable creativity

You stupid cunt
I hope you rot
Your foul smile
You've lost the plot

Nothing makes me hate you more
Than the sole reason your a fucking bore
Nobody cares about your life
Your pain your hardship your fucking strife

Everything happens for a reason
Your life is shit
'cos your mums a heathen


Michael roberts my lil bro
His eyes blue
His brain slow

He does nothing at all
except eat shit
Sit at his computer
and act like a tit

his penis small
through no fault of his own
his dads a salesman
and has problems unknown

The problems are simple
tho no cure is known
he has no friends
and a cock the size of a toe bone

now i know what your thinking
this may be sick
but my brother likes showing me
his tiny dick

he asks if its normal
or heriditory
i reply with no
lets take you to jeremy

there on the jeremy kyle show
my brother sits
surrounded by an audience
he has to show his bits

Jeremy shouts
having a go
my poor little brother
has spoiled the show

His penis had shrunk
to the size of a pea
no one could see it
not even me

he sulked off stage
in fits of tears
no-one understood
the pain he's felt for years

Jeremy followed
with a face of glee
now the cameras are off
i will let you see

he pulled down his pants
my brother still glum
but what jeremy revieled
was that he too was not hung

where his penis should be
was a flap of skin
flaccid and small
no bigger that a pin

at that moment
by brother grinned
he knew he could go on
being tiny and dim

Just a few old gems

You’re a kitten and you’re so cute,
I want to kick you with my boot,
Round the flat till your dead
Then im gunna stamp on your head

Il skin you just like crippens wife
It’ll be the best day of my life
You shit in the bath and piss on the floor
You wont be doing that no more

Il gash you up and make you bleed
To the fish your eyes il feed
Poor little Neville he only has one
He will have fucking three by the time were done

Il rub salt in your vagina
As ive heard theres nothing finer
Then il serve in on a platter
Garnished with salad and fried in batter

Il wear your skin as some fancy mittens
Feed your liver to your fucking kittens
Il wear your tail as a sock
Rap it around my throbbing cock

My mother will get your heart in the post
She will cook it up for her Sunday roast
Il make your bones into a lovely paste
feed it to my nan she will love the taste

Il put you through my fucking mincer
And then attack with a small crabs pincer
Cook your flesh in a stew,
Eat you up then do a poo

I'am going to try and eat a whole chocolate gateau at exsactly 1.00am in the morning. My dog is jealous. Its not going to happen i have only got 1/4 of the way through and i'm already tired. What sort of a human being am i? A rubbish one.

Saturday, 11 July 2009